Really Again?

Unfortunately we lost our 4th baby on Thursday our due date was April 22nd 2011. I was told in my 6th week I would Miscarry due to my HCG going from doubling ever 32 hours to every 500 hours dropping progesterone and an Ultra Sound at 6weeks that showed an empty gestational sac. I was immediately put on progesterone supplements and my progesterone started increasing and HCG was still on the rise but slow. I wasn't holding out much hope I know a lot about hcg and the odds were against this pregnancy. When I went in for my 7week Ultra sound I was expecting to see no change from the week before and was thinking I would be scheduling a D&C. I was shocked to see my baby and the tiny heart beating 104bmp the baby was measuring behind. I felt a flicker of Hope that day maybe the HCG was wrong and I would be one of the 15% of normal pregnancies that would progress properly without doubling HCG. That was short lived hope because when I woke up the next morning I knelt down to say my morning prayer and when I was done praying (more like pleading with God) I felt this overwhelming sense of Loss I knew my baby was gone. The next week was awful waiting for that 3rd ultra sound when I knew the results wouldn't be good. I made it to my 8th week of pregnancy and my feelings were right. The baby's development had stopped probably within 24 hours after my last ultra sound. There was no growth and no heartbeat. I'm crushed how could this happen again? Just after I felt like I was moving on and starting to feel happy again after our last loss. I find being open about my loss helps be mourn but at the same time I want to be alone with my family and mourn by myself. I really appreciate everyone who wants to help and stop by to visit but I'm not ready yet. Also, I wanted to add that I understand that some comments are made out of love but they don't always come off that way. When people say things to me like "at least you have your boys" "at least you know you can get pregnant" "you can always try again" "count your blessing your so lucky" "I know someone who's lost more babies" "at least you weren't further along" those are all hurtful it's like your trying to minimize the pain that I'm feeling over my loss. To me I have lost a child there is no such thing as barely being pregnant you either are or you aren't so I had all the same dreams and hopes for this Child as any other pregnant mother 5weeks or 40weeks. Knowing I have my boys and knowing that I can try again doesn't make losing this child any less difficult I don't want another baby I wanted this baby. Please be careful with what you choose to say. Things like "were thinking about you" or "were praying for you" let me know you care without hurting feelings. Thank you to everyone who has been praying and thinking about us!!



heart rate was 104